Written by

Managing Director at Claire Field Consultancy

Claire runs Claire Field Consultancy which specialises in providing supervision of contact in a safe, welcoming environment where children and families can be brought together.

If you really love me, then you will do everything in your power to do what’s best for me – you are my parents, my Mummy and Daddy.

If you really love me unconditionally then you will at least care for what I love – I love my Mummy and Daddy.

If you really love me, you will never want to cause me unintentional harm let alone emotional harm. You will give me a childhood to cherish, grow and develop.

If you really love me, you will allow me to share my experiences, time and relationship with you both, and other members of my family when I return to your care.

If you really love me, you will want to establish a good parent working relationship that allows me to have quality time with both of you. You will take the time to communicate about me and plan a schedule including holidays for you and I so I can enjoy my life between two homes.

If you really love me, make time to show me that you do by talking about me to each other and supporting my life between two homes. It is your responsibility as my parents to demonstrate to me that you can organise, support and implement a stable routine for me. Remember I am the one going back and forth – not you.

If you really love me, make it as easy as possible for me. If you can’t do this on your own, then get help to do it. Ask for help, get support and talk about how you are feeling. Show me that I am important enough for you to get the support to communicate together.

If you really love me then you will want to give me as many tools in my toolbox as possible, even when things go wrong. Most importantly, you should show me how to make things better. This is crucial to support my emotional health now and into my adult life.

If you really love me, you will want me to form and have good relationships with family, friends and extended family members – you both need to lead by example. Why would you ask me to do something that you are not prepared to do yourselves?

Holidays are very important for us all, if you really love me then you will make sure that plans are agreeable for us all in order for me to be able to enjoy and benefit from holidays with you both. The starting point is for you both to agree the time and dates for holidays to happen. If you have not been able to show and discuss with me what is happening, you are leaving me with no understanding or stability. This causes me emotional harm. Please do not think that just because I look or act ok that I am.

Make sure you, as my parents are doing the following to ensure you are looking after my best interests:

  • Communicating directly with each other – if you are not then get help to do this. The Parenting Apart Programme supports you to demonstrate to me that I am loved and cared for by you both.
  • Plan my time spent with both of my parents
  • Plan my school terms so I can feel that I am supported by both of my parents in my education.
  • Talk directly with each other about my activities so you both know what I am doing
  • Help me to show that I love and care for both of you by supporting me to purchase presents on your birthday, Christmas and other special occasions.
  • Respect and share me during Christmas holidays. Christmas is for family time; please remember that I now have two separate families and two separate homes.

If you really love me, you will allow me to share my experiences, time and relationship with you both, and other members of my family when I return to your care.

If you really love me, make time to sit together, have a coffee and discuss me; this will ensure that I have a memorable and loving childhood and this is crucial to support me through transitions of care from one home to another. Don’t make me a latch door kid where I am handed over on the roadside or on a doorstep- remember that I have feelings and am a human being, not an object to be passed from one door to another. If you can’t do this on your own then get help to do it. Show me that you love me enough to help me – because I know you love me more than anything else.

So, if you really love me, let me love you both.

 

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