Naomi Richards - Kids Coach Expert

Naomi provides life coaching for children as young as six years old. She works predominantly with children who are going though family difficulties including parent separation who need an outlet to voice their thoughts and anxieties. The other common issues she works with children on are around self-esteem, confidence, communication and co-operation, challenging negative thoughts and beliefs, friendships and school issues. Naomi runs a private practice, writes for several websites and local newspapers and she runs training and workshops for charities and individuals on a variety of subjects.

Question
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Q. hi, i m a single mum with a 5 years old son. My son have a good contact with his dad, he will going back to his dad family (his dad married with a new mum)and staying with him during weekend school holiday. He is happy there and was very teary when come back to my side for school day. My question is am i doing the right thing to let him staying with me alone ? My son said he likes to stay with a family which have father & mother.Thanks Irene
A. Hi Irene,
Thanks for your question. I felt a bit sad when I read this. It must be very hard for you when your son says he likes to stay with his dad as he also has
a mother figure there. I know you want the best for him as most parents do but this is huge decision for him to make and he is only five years old.
Some things for you to think about before you make your decision; Would he have to move schools? Leave his friends? How would he feel about moving and leaving his friends behind? How happy is he in the rest of his life? If he is not, is it just the fact he wants to be part of a family? Does his dads new wife have children? Is this a factor in him wanting to
move to his dads? Tell him that families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and just because you are on your own now (I am assuming) that this may
not always be the case. Mummy would like to have a special friend too (again an assumption). How would you feel if he left and lived with dad? What does
his dad think about all this? Does he want him to live with him? How would access work then - would you see your son at weekends and school holidays
instead? It is not just your son you want to make happy but you also need to consider you and your ex-husbands happiness and lifestyle. I hope this has
given you food for thought. Best wishes and good luck.
The Kids Coach.

Q. Hi, my husband and i seperated 18 months ago and the children do have contact with their father but it is not often by choice, he quickly moved on to a younger model who seems to have changed a lot within him and the kids are very often unhappy to see him. i feel they would benefit greatly from seeing someone who can help them get through this as we are now both seeing lawyers to sort things out and he is wanting overnight access etc and they have only stayed a few times since we split and it did not go too well so they dont want to. i have tried my gp anf school and barnardos but they are doing okay at school and dont talk to anyone other than me and unless referred they wont get anything, i cant afford private help so what do i do. They are very teary and are 8 and 6.
A. Hi there. I am afraid I don't have just one answer for you. I would have said speak to the doctor and get them to refer you to a counsellor for children as the cost is free. However, you say your children don't want to talk to anyone else but you so you are in a no
win situation.

Perhaps you should speak to your children again and explain the benefits of them speaking to someone
neutral and having the space to say whatever they like without mummy and daddy around. I know from experience that having an outsider that children can trust with their feelings and talk to is of great benefit.
If they agree to seeing someone go back to your doctor and get referred.

If not, can I suggest that you get in touch with any of the following organisations - Parentline specialises in helping parents under stress 0808 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.org.uk. You can speak to them about what would be best for your children. They also have a useful guide to Splitting Up.
YoungMinds Parents Information Service can help you find how best to support your children through separation or divorce 0800 018 2138 www.youngminds.org.uk.

Relate offer a confidential counselling service for children affected by parental conflict or separation. Sessions may be available in schools, youth clubs and various venues and are usually free. Contact Relate direct for details of what is available in your area. I think this is for over 10 years so check when you speak to them. 0300 100 1234, www.relate.org.uk.
ChildLine is there 24/7 for children to talk over any worries they have 0800
1111 www.ChildLine.org.uk.

Get Connected help under-25s with a wide range of issues and can put you in touch with the right sort of help near you 0808 808 4994 www.getconnected.org.uk. and there is www.itsnotyourfault.org, a friendly website for children and young people whose parents are splitting up.

They will all provide support for you and your children. I wish you luck and if you want to you are most welcome to give me a call and I would be more than happy to chat with you. Only mums can give you my phone number.

All the best. The Kids Coach.
Q. Hi I am a sigle mum and have been from 1wk of pregnancy. I have a very happy, secure and confident 3 yrs 6mt old girl called Darcy who is now
starting to ask the "where is daddy" questions. I have so far fielded off with some families have a mum and a darcy, some a dad and a darcy etc etc which she is very happy with at the moment. But I need some advice for the future? Please help, we have no contact whatsoever from father and will not in the future as he made it clear he is not interested and never will be.I have not heard anything at all from him in 4 and a half years, doesn't know name or sex of his child etc. I would really appreciate some ideas, or book
recommendation.
A. In truth there is no one answer to this question as one explanation will not entirely resolve your daughter's questions about her absent father. As a way of dealing with it I would suggest developing a set of words and phrases that you could use in conversations you have with your daughter about her absent father, so that what you are saying is consistent. It may be that you say he was young and wasn't ready to be a father or that he had some problems and needed some time to deal with them on his own. Both phrases let your daughter know him not being around is not because of her. He chose not to for another reason.

If she has any questions and I am sure she will answer them honestly and answer them but don't give her more information than she needs to know. If the questions are repetitive keep on answering them as children need to hear the same information over and over again to retain it.

I know you say her father said he never wants to have any contact. It is possible that he may change his mind about seeing her in years to come or she may want to look for him so make sure you don't speak badly of him.
Being indifferent when talking about him is better than being upbeat or down on him.

I wish you luck and happiness for the future.

The Kids Coach
Q. Hi my 5 year old son was introduced to a new man in my ex-partners life before we had even split. He has met him just the once and my ex has only known him for four months. This is a big worry for me as my
son broke a promise of a secret by telling me that he and mummy had a new friend who might one day be his new daddy. My son told me that mummy would be cross for letting out this secret. How can he make sense of this? And how can I protect my son?
A. Your son obviously thought that he should tell you for whatever reason. Maybe he is worried about this new man taking your place, fantasising that he will have a 'new dad' or maybe he just did not think twice about telling you. You don't say if he was overjoyed or upset. What exactly was he told by mum - did she tell him that this may be his new daddy or that
it is something he thought up himself. You need to get clarification of this from mum. Then you can speak to your son about it once you know the 'truth' and find out what he feels about this man and mum. Give him the reassurance that he or anyone else is never going to replace you and explain to him that mum and dad may have 'friends' in the future because
they sometimes get lonely. If he is overjoyed then be happy for him and just explain simply that not all friends get married.

I think it is up to mum to protect him from the situation. If you can discuss what he told you with her then she can work out how it is best
approached. Mum, if understanding, will want to help your child through his anxieties (if they are) regardless of it being a secret or not. You may find
that situation is not the same as how your son sees it. Good luck with it all. Naomi

Q. I didn't know there was such a thing as kids coaches? Can you help me please? My daughter (I'm a single Mum with just the one child)is bright. And lazy. Her teachers have (always) told me that she has an amazing brain for "getting stuff" at the first time of asking, butit almost seems she can't be bothered in class. Do you have any tips for motivating people like my daughter to make use of the skills she has. She is 12 now, and her school report at the end of last term was not that good if I'm honest. Thanks N
A. Yes there is such a thing as Kids Coaches although not very many of us in the UK. From the first read of your problem it seems that your daughter feels that because she knows the subject in the classroom she does not have to work hard. Maybe someone has told her that she grasps topics easily and has taken this to mean she does not have to put the work in or maybe the people she is sitting with 'can't be bothered'. Is she easily distracted?

Regarding motivation, the school should be looking at ways of motivating and keeping her attention in the classroom. At home can I suggest you talk to her about school and how she feels she is doing. Pick up on her response and get her to justify in words why she thinks she is doing well/not so good.
Look at ways together of how she thinks she can improve in her schoolwork.
She may need your help in coming up with ideas. What is going to motivate her - would a reward system work for her. If so, what kind. Perhaps a good report would mean she gets to go bowling or to the cinema with a friend or given money towards something she wants to buy. Let her decide then she will be more motivated to work smarter. Good luck. Naomi.
Q. My child thinks that it is their fault that we have split up – how do I convince them it wasn’t?
A. Explain to your child that it is not their fault and that mum and dad have realised that they cannot live with each other anymore so they are going to live apart. Tell them that by separating and living in different places their relationship will not change with either parent but each parent will be happier.

Explain to them that no matter how badly behaved they have been recently it would never have been a factor in the marriage breakdown. The split is not a punishment for them in any way - it was going to happen at some stage in the future and you have both decided that now is the best time.