A. I’m sorry to hear that you have been having such a tough time of it. It is hard as a parent to see the upset to a child that is caused by an unreliable ex-partner not maintaining regular access with their child, and to deal with the disruption this brings with it.

It is difficult not to get caught up in another’s bad behaviour and you are right to try to maintain a civil relationship with your ex partner so that you can try to build a parenting alliance, but it sounds as if there is still unresolved conflict in you relationship with him. You don’t have to be best friends but you do need to resolve your disputes. It doesn’t help your son to be caught up in conflicts and to see a lack of respect and co-operation between his mum and dad. If the two of you can’t do this on your own you may need the help of a mediator or a couples counsellor

If someone has been abusive on a social networking website then it is likely that you can report them to that website. If the abusive comments are serious then you should seek legal advice, perhaps from the Citizens Advice Bureau. You might also choose not to look at his comments and to ignore anything that is said if you see him or his family.

You cannot control someone else’s behaviour, and if your ex partner is unable to see the potential effect on your son there is not a way that you can make him see it. Your telling him is likely to inflame the situation and has little chance of success: no one likes being told they are in the wrong! What you can do is demonstrate good parenting, good communication and respect, and hope that time and maturity will help him realize what is needed from him.

A. "It is often difficult when an ex partner starts a new relationship. All sorts of jealousies and tensions appear from nowhere. You must however realise that you have no control over the children’s relationship with their father, nor over their relationship with his new partner. Assuming that the children are not actually at risk of harm you cannot dictate whether or not they are in her company when they are with their father. You should also bear in mind that reputations are one thing but the truth may be something quite different.
Beware of talking about her in a derogatory way as this may put them in a difficult position which may encourage them to resent you.

What you can do is continue to demonstrate an appropriate way to behave and live when they are with you. How they have been brought up so far plus your continuing to model good behaviour and life choices in your home will have a great influence on them and will allow them to develop the skills they need to be able to judge for themselves how they wish to live their lives. "

A. You are right to be sensitive about how you handle this situation. It would be very surprising if your son did not mind suddenly having to share his Mum with someone else and how you manage this is important. You might want the first meeting to be very brief and low key: perhaps a chance meeting somewhere away from your home where your new partner is just around for half an hour or so. I would suggest that you repeat this several times. Then perhaps to meet up still away from home but still very casually and for a short time. After this maybe your partner could come round for a coffee. No pressure to interact, just introducing as a friend. You can slowly increase the time that that you are a threesome but keep it slow and gentle. He will always need one to one time with you and it is important that you keep this into the future. I hope it goes well for you.

A. It would be hard not to feel resentful about your ex-husband’s apparent lack of interest in the children while you were going through the divorce process. Emotions often run high around the time of separation and it can feel as if communication has broken down completely. Perhaps now that the divorce is over he has had time to reflect on the children’s welfare and is realizing how little input he has in their day to day lives and finds this difficult.

What is the nature of his emails? Is he trying to exert his influence over your parenting or being critical of you? Remember that you can chose how frequently you read his emails, or if necessary you could chose not to read them at all. You would of course have to tell him this and why so that he does not use emails for urgent matters.

Maybe your ex-husband is not aware of the effect his emails are having on you and is trying to let you know his concerns and make up for his previous lack of communication.
It may seem unfair that when you wanted him to talk he wouldn’t but if his comments are genuine concerns that as parents you need to sit down and discuss you could arrange a time for the two of you to talk without being interrupted by the children. You will need to consider if you can negotiate or if you need someone independent to help you find compromises. Putting aside disagreements and conflicts and thinking about the children’s needs can help you move forward to a less stressful relationship.

A. Couples seem to get hooked into particular ways of behaving towards each other and it can be difficult to break out of these patterns. It is helpful to try thinking things through from your ex-partner’s point of view although it’s not always easy to do this when you feel angry and upset.

Certain times and situations will make it more likely that you argue, eg if you are stressed, tired, or hungry, or if your ex is. Don’t throw verbal bombs. Try to count to 50 (10 isn’t enough!) before you say anything that is likely to inflame the situation. This pause will allow you to calm down just long enough to maybe think better of what you were going to say, or at least the way in which you were going to say it. Avoid putting them down, attacking them personally, making judgements, criticising and blaming. We all react badly to those sorts of comments! Also watch out for sulking, interrupting and walking off as these just won’t help matters to be resolved. If what you’re doing isn’t working then try a different approach, and make sure you behave towards them as you would like them to behave towards you.