A. Having a young baby is very tiring and stressful! Working on a degree course also brings it share of stress. The fact that things are difficult is not surprising but if you keep working at it you will get through this. Have you taken any time out as a couple without the baby? Most partners feel somewhat jealous of the baby getting all the attention even though they understand that it needs to be that way. What do you do for relaxation? I haven’t got time for that I hear you cry but just taking 10 or 20 minutes out of your busy day to listen to some calming music or to take a walk round the block noticing the beautiful autumn colours will help your stress levels. You might also consider taking advantage of the university counselling scheme to talk things through.

Kind regards

Jane McPhee-Simpson MBACP (Accred) MA PGDip PstDIP MBSSM

A. The difficulty with this sort of problem is that he might say that if he isn’t but also might say it if he is! There is no easy way of knowing the truth here.

In general terms if someone is having an affair the other person often knows this at some level so it is always best to trust your gut instinct in these matters. Only you know what has made you suspect an affair and what evidence you have to support your suspicions. However, you also need to consider that having a baby and being a new single mum can make someone feel a bit insecure and when we feel insecure then our trust generally suffers. I hope that things work out for you.

Kind regards

Jane McPhee-Simpson MBACP (Accred) MA PGDip PstDIP MBSSM

A. I do not know the legal position so suggest that you talk to your solicitor if you have one, or to the CAB who may be able to advise you on this. My guess would be that it is only that you need to allow your ex partner access to your son, not the manner in which this is achieved but you would need to look at the detail of your access agreement with him to establish this. I hope that things settle down.


Kind regards

Jane McPhee-Simpson MBACP (Accred) MA PGDip PstDIP MBSSM

A. I do not know what your legal position would be if you refused him access to the children and once they are with him you have no control anyway. I know it is hard when you want to protect your children from being upset but your ex’s relationship with the children is up to him. As time goes on you will come to realise that you have less and less control over how your ex spends his contact time with them. It adds to the frustration when contact visits unsettle the children and you are left to deal with the fall out and disruption and it is also difficult to take on board the idea of your children spending time with another woman in a parental role. As their contact with him is already spasmodic then it would seem sad for them to not be able to see him at all, but I understand your reluctance to compound the upset they are experiencing. I think you should talk to him again. You also might consider if their long term relationship with him, will be helped or hindered by your decision. Only you can decide what you believe is right in this situation.

A. This difficult situation is something that neither of you had planned and it can take a while to get used to things and for emotions to calm down. The two of you have a lot that you need to sit down and discuss together. There are two separate relationships that you need to consider: your relationship as a couple and your relationship as parents to your twins. I would suggest that do not rush into living together straight away. You should first go for couple counselling to talk about your couple relationship and to work through some of the hurts that occurred between you and to see what you can agree regarding the way forward as a couple.

Fathers have a right to see their children so it will be a question of the degree to which he will be involved in their lives and to what degree you are involved in each others lives.

Regardless of what happens in your couple relationship you will need to find the best ways of co-parenting your babies and that requires your calm co-operation with each other.

I hope you find a way forward that works for all of you.

A. I’m sorry to hear that you have been having such a tough time of it. It is hard as a parent to see the upset to a child that is caused by an unreliable ex-partner not maintaining regular access with their child, and to deal with the disruption this brings with it.

It is difficult not to get caught up in another’s bad behaviour and you are right to try to maintain a civil relationship with your ex partner so that you can try to build a parenting alliance, but it sounds as if there is still unresolved conflict in you relationship with him. You don’t have to be best friends but you do need to resolve your disputes. It doesn’t help your son to be caught up in conflicts and to see a lack of respect and co-operation between his mum and dad. If the two of you can’t do this on your own you may need the help of a mediator or a couples counsellor

If someone has been abusive on a social networking website then it is likely that you can report them to that website. If the abusive comments are serious then you should seek legal advice, perhaps from the Citizens Advice Bureau. You might also choose not to look at his comments and to ignore anything that is said if you see him or his family.

You cannot control someone else’s behaviour, and if your ex partner is unable to see the potential effect on your son there is not a way that you can make him see it. Your telling him is likely to inflame the situation and has little chance of success: no one likes being told they are in the wrong! What you can do is demonstrate good parenting, good communication and respect, and hope that time and maturity will help him realize what is needed from him.

A. "It is often difficult when an ex partner starts a new relationship. All sorts of jealousies and tensions appear from nowhere. You must however realise that you have no control over the children’s relationship with their father, nor over their relationship with his new partner. Assuming that the children are not actually at risk of harm you cannot dictate whether or not they are in her company when they are with their father. You should also bear in mind that reputations are one thing but the truth may be something quite different.
Beware of talking about her in a derogatory way as this may put them in a difficult position which may encourage them to resent you.

What you can do is continue to demonstrate an appropriate way to behave and live when they are with you. How they have been brought up so far plus your continuing to model good behaviour and life choices in your home will have a great influence on them and will allow them to develop the skills they need to be able to judge for themselves how they wish to live their lives. "

A. You are right to be sensitive about how you handle this situation. It would be very surprising if your son did not mind suddenly having to share his Mum with someone else and how you manage this is important. You might want the first meeting to be very brief and low key: perhaps a chance meeting somewhere away from your home where your new partner is just around for half an hour or so. I would suggest that you repeat this several times. Then perhaps to meet up still away from home but still very casually and for a short time. After this maybe your partner could come round for a coffee. No pressure to interact, just introducing as a friend. You can slowly increase the time that that you are a threesome but keep it slow and gentle. He will always need one to one time with you and it is important that you keep this into the future. I hope it goes well for you.

A. It would be hard not to feel resentful about your ex-husband’s apparent lack of interest in the children while you were going through the divorce process. Emotions often run high around the time of separation and it can feel as if communication has broken down completely. Perhaps now that the divorce is over he has had time to reflect on the children’s welfare and is realizing how little input he has in their day to day lives and finds this difficult.

What is the nature of his emails? Is he trying to exert his influence over your parenting or being critical of you? Remember that you can chose how frequently you read his emails, or if necessary you could chose not to read them at all. You would of course have to tell him this and why so that he does not use emails for urgent matters.

Maybe your ex-husband is not aware of the effect his emails are having on you and is trying to let you know his concerns and make up for his previous lack of communication.
It may seem unfair that when you wanted him to talk he wouldn’t but if his comments are genuine concerns that as parents you need to sit down and discuss you could arrange a time for the two of you to talk without being interrupted by the children. You will need to consider if you can negotiate or if you need someone independent to help you find compromises. Putting aside disagreements and conflicts and thinking about the children’s needs can help you move forward to a less stressful relationship.

A. Couples seem to get hooked into particular ways of behaving towards each other and it can be difficult to break out of these patterns. It is helpful to try thinking things through from your ex-partner’s point of view although it’s not always easy to do this when you feel angry and upset.

Certain times and situations will make it more likely that you argue, eg if you are stressed, tired, or hungry, or if your ex is. Don’t throw verbal bombs. Try to count to 50 (10 isn’t enough!) before you say anything that is likely to inflame the situation. This pause will allow you to calm down just long enough to maybe think better of what you were going to say, or at least the way in which you were going to say it. Avoid putting them down, attacking them personally, making judgements, criticising and blaming. We all react badly to those sorts of comments! Also watch out for sulking, interrupting and walking off as these just won’t help matters to be resolved. If what you’re doing isn’t working then try a different approach, and make sure you behave towards them as you would like them to behave towards you.