A. Hello Dan, this is not a 'parenting' query but one best suited to OnlyMums 'Family Law' expert. Regards, Joy

(Dan, we have passed this on to our Family Law Expert - OnlyMums)

A. Trevor this is not a parenting question. Your question has been answered by our Family Law Expert.

A. It is very common for very young children to start calling one or both parents by their Christian name, after all that is what they hear others call them all the time; they are just copying. Rather than get upset or make an issue over it just kindly say “Daddy” each time he says your first name. Little ones are naturally dependent on their significant carer, in this case (and most cases) Mummy and I am pleased that he has a healthy bond with her, this would probably be the same if you’d stayed together; you’re missing him makes it seem much worse. At three he is still very young and will obviously miss Mummy when he is with you, to help him settle I’d suggest Mummy gives him something of hers to care for during his time away from her; a T-shirt is ideal as he can snuggle this in bed. Please remember to such a little child a day will feel like a year, so a weekend away from Mummy is an eternity. I am unsure from your question whether contact with your son is fortnightly due to logistics or because that is what you have been granted. Do not take these issues personally, try to have quality time with your son whilst he’s with you as it used to be. It sounds to me as though you are still grieving the loss of the family and suggest you may find counselling helpful in exploring and coming to terms with your new life.

REGARDS,

JOY

A. Goodness I felt confused reading your question and I think that is a reflection of how your son is feeling. I am wondering where he feels home is. I understand why parents split the care of their youngsters when they divorce i.e., a week with Mum and then a week with Dad but there is little grounding in this for the young person; difficult for them to put down firm roots. You give no indication of how close you live to his Mum. Your having to go to court to change these arrangements indicates that perhaps you and his Mum are either not amicable or flexible; it’s hard to get a sense of this from your question. At 15years teenagers are generally forging a life for themselves (I hope) i.e., friends and interests, and wanting to spend time with them rather than their parents (frustrating for the absent parent). Whilst teenagers need a roof over their head and must adhere to family rules and boundaries, it is not OK to use them as a pawn in a battle between parents or vice versa.


REGARDS,

JOY

A. As frustrating as this answer is I’m afraid there is absolutely nothing you can do to make your daughters Dad have her more often if he doesn’t want to. As hard as it may feel the best thing you can do for their relationship is to accept what he says gracefully and not speak negatively to her about him. This way she does not become a pawn in a parental dispute.

A. You don't say whether the children are living with you and their Dad or visiting, but hopefully the three of you can work together on this.

I would suggest that when they leave their Mum she has a big hug good-bye with each child telling them when they will be returning to her e.g., "see you Sunday tea-time" adding how many sleeps that is. Ask Mum to give each child something special of hers to look after until they are back together again, a piece of clothing like a top with Mum's smell on will be particularly comforting to them as they can snuggle in bed with it, plus it confirms that they WILL see Mum again; because she cannot be without the item for long and that she trusts them to look after the it for her. Maybe get them to do a picture type calendar of what they'll be doing with you whilst away from Mum.

Gently discourage the children from phoning Mum when they are with you, offering them the special item that Mum has given them and re-assure them when they'll see their Mum again; remember a day to a child is like a year to us! Do not tell the children Mum is working every night or that it is because they are grown-up and don't need to speak to her; neither of these are true. If they say they miss their Mum or want to speak to her, acknowledge what they are saying (they need to be heard and understood) but again be firm and gentle about not phoning Mum, in time they'll get used to not calling her.


When they snuggle-down in bed with their item of comfort from Mummy, leave them with lovely thoughts of the day you've had together or are going to have tomorrow. Read them a story, kiss them good-night and leave. Never allow a child to cry for 45 minutes this will just make them feel abandoned. After five minutes of crying go into them, do not put the lights on or get into conversation with them. Make sure they are comfy, kiss them, say "good-night" again and leave, keep doing this upping the length of time you leave them (5 mins; 7 mins; 10 mins etc) until they drop off to sleep. You'll probably have to do this for several nights or weeks, length of time is dependant on how you as adults work together and the personalites of the children

A. Firstly I must say that babies are not my specialism; have you spoken to your Health Visitor? You do not say how old your daughter is; newborn or several months. Plus I am only guessing that when the dummy drops out of her mouth she starts to cry, so you go to her popping it back in and this is what I am basing my reply on.

- The first thing that comes to my mind is whether your daughter is hungry, dirty, hot or cold.
- Is she in a separate room, if so it may be useful to bring her into your bedroom in a cot/carry-cot by the side of your bed so all you have to do is quickly reach out to return the dummy to her? It is not advisable to have her in bed with you in case you accidentally roll over and smother her.
- If she struggles to go back to sleep, gently pat her making a re-assuring ‘shushing’ sound until she nods off.
- Best not to leave a baby to cry, it is the only way they can tell you they need you and it’s important at this tender age that they learn you will always be there for them.
- It is possible she could be picking up on your exhaustion, and anxiety about her waking your 3 year old, is there someone who can take it in turns with you to go to her through the night, or even have her for you overnight from time to time to give you a decent catch-up sleep. This is not a luxury but a necessity to keep you from burning out.
- Baby days are very special but exhausting, each child brings its own delights and nightmares; difficult phases do pass but in the meantime there’s a need for mega patience. Make sure you have ‘me’ time, accept help from those you trust who offer you support so that you can keep your patience level on an even keel.
- I found quite a nice web-page ‘How to soothe a Crying Baby with The Cuddle Cure’:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2307510_soothe-crying-baby-cuddle-cure.html
Finally, again I need to emphasize that my Parenting specialism is from about 2/3 years onwards so it is important to speak to your Health Visitor if you have any concerns.
Joy

A. It always saddens me when children are involved in adult disputes, this is not their business and they should ideally be left to enjoy a good relationship with both their parents; whether they all live under one roof or two separate ones. The way forward would be to stand back and not to rise to the bait. If your wife calls your teenager in to act as chaperone then calmly say this is nothing to do with your daughter and you don’t wish to involve her, adding that you’ll gladly have a conversation with your wife when you can to talk together without the children. The key here is to stay calm and keep your voice controlled. You have every right to disagree with your wife (and vice versa) but getting into a battle only compounds a nightmare situation and will probably confirm to the girls that Mum is right. Sometimes it is be best to just grit your teeth and politely agree to disagree. This also teaches your girls how to conduct themselves in a thorny situation. As difficult as it is, at these agonizing times, we have to play the waiting game and trust that one day the girls will work out what’s what for themselves.

A. No question is trivial; a parents concern about parenting a child is important and one that deserves care and attention.

Grown-up matters regarding the details of Mummy & Daddy’s separation are best kept to Mummy & Daddy, all the child needs to know is that you have both decided to live in separate homes (whether this is the case or not) and both still love your daughter very much, only answering questions in a basic way that concern your daughters own well-being. So I guess it is now about telling her that you too are OK with the split.

It is natural that your daughter will experience a few difficulties around the new routine, re-assure her that you understand she misses Mummy, patiently tell her when she will see Mummy again and say positive things about her Mother; this is not your child’s personal reaction against you. It may be useful if she has something special of Mummy’s to look after for her when with you (and vice versa); this re-assures her that she will see Mummy again soon. Perhaps a T-Shirt or similar that Mummy has worn to take to bed with her; Mummy’s scent will comfort your daughter. Talk excitedly about the two homes your child now has and include her as much as reasonably possible in your new life.

What a child needs to know during these changing times is that she is safe, loved and non of the grown up problems are her fault.

A. This is a very difficult time for you both. It’s natural that your daughter wants to become more independent and yet at 13 years she is still very young so you’ll be concerned for her well-being. On top of that it’s hard to begin to let go and become the safety net she’ll always need; though she may not realise the last bit!
The most important thing is that you continue to talk to her in a positive and warm tone with loads of descriptive praise (see previous questions/answers) whenever you see her do something you like. Plus show her as much affection as possible; hug, smile, wink, thumbs up etc., in order to keep reaching out to her without overwhelming her. Don’t expect the affection to be reciprocated. If she has become a grumpy grunter then rise above it and keep giving the love, though this doesn’t mean you have to put up with unwanted behaviour which must be dealt with appropriately.
It’s time to rely on all your years of guiding your daughter and with all the above in place you’ll hopefully keep the lines of communication open with her and she will feel able to turn to you for advice and support whenever she needs to.

A. Goodness you are being hard on yourself! You are not the first or last lovely Mum to scream at her child through frustration and exhaustion, so please let the guilt go as it is a waste of your precious energy.
As for making it up to Bethany, you are clear on the fact that she is OK now. Just lots of affection at a level you are both comfy with; hugs, smiles and telling her you love her plus descriptive praise whenever she does something you want to see more of “thanks for helping me put the shopping away, it’s done in half the time”, is all that is needed.
My concern is for you. I wonder if you have emailed the Finance or Debt Experts our ‘Only Mums Panel’ or had a chat with the Citizens Advice Bureau regarding your financial situation. Any chance of a little job in Bethany’s school or similar to fit in with her school hours?

More importantly what do you do just for you? Time for you is not a luxury it’s a necessity to prevent burn-out. This does not have to cost you anything either. Whilst Bethany is at school: a long gorgeous bubbly bath; walk in a park (nature is a wonderful healer); coffee morning with some friends; have a look in the local library to see what free groups are running that you may be interested in. What support systems do you have, family, friends, neighbours that you can call on for a bit of emotional, physical or financial help? I am not kidding; time-out just for you is vital, so please look after Your-Self.
Parenting tips taken from Triple ‘P’

A. I am splitting your query in two and answering the ‘screaming’ and ‘bed-time’ difficulties separately. I understand how exhausted you must be feeling right now and the solutions will take a good deal more patience and energy but if you hang on in there it will be worth it.

As far as the screaming is concerned I suggest instead of telling her to be quiet, just say “I will talk to you when you speak to me quietly” and just ignore the screaming (or laughing) until she stops, then immediately interact with her. Initially, she will probably up the decibels but in time she will learn that screaming does not get your attention; talking in a quiet voice does. This will take a lot of resilience on your behalf but as long as she is not in any pain/danger ‘planned ignoring’ is the best policy.

Again her constantly coming down at bed-time has taught her that she can get your attention for just a few more minutes; even though it may be negative attention! Once the usual bed-time routine is complete and when she comes down stairs do not get into conversation with her, simply take her back to her bed and the first time say “it is time for bed, please stay in your bed” then leave the room. Thereafter say nothing; just return her to her bed. Do not switch lights, make a fuss or get into conversation with her. You will probably have to do this many times over several nights, try to be patient as it does work. Needless to say ensure that your daughter has not had a nightmare, is wet or needs the loo but do not put these thoughts in her head by asking, as her Mum you will know. Once she starts to stay in her room, in the morning make a big fuss of her saying how proud you are that she stayed in her bed/room.

Keep instructions positive; say what you want to see her doing rather than stopping and as much as possible use your own words to make it sound and feel more natural.

Strategies taken from Triple P – Positive Parenting Programme.

A. You do not say why this girl is considered ‘bad news’ by all parents so it is difficult for me to understand fully what your daughters change in attitude is. I guess when you talk of her language changing you mean swearing.

For teenagers it is a very fine line between parents parenting and nagging. The best way initially to win your daughter over is to give her loads of descriptive praise, which means every time you experience her doing or saying something you would like to see more of, tell her in a very genuine way: “thanks for helping me put the shopping away love” or “the way you spoke to your brother/sister/Dad/me was lovely just then, thanks” etc., of course it needs to be in your own words. Believe it or not parents are still very important to teenagers and they do want to feel they are pleasing and loved by us; we all respond well to praise and want more!

The other important thing is to give your youngster quality time which means to be interested and available whenever she wants to tell or show you something, if it is impossible to stop what you are doing immediately then tell her you just need to finish “?” and you will be with her in 5/10 minutes ... then be there!

When there is plenty of descriptive praise and quality time the teenager will be more open to accepting anything else you want to say. For instance, “it may be acceptable when hanging around with your mates to swear (nearly all do it) but please talk politely to family and friends”. If she does continue to swear at you then just say “I will talk to you/help you when you speak to me politely” then blank her (unless of course it is dangerous to do so!) The same goes for the change in attitude; this is such a broad word it is difficult to help you with examples. Try not to slate the offending girl as this will probably get your daughters back up and make her rebel.

The most important things to remember when doing any of the above is to stay calm, be genuine and understand that teenagers frequently fall in with a friend or crowd that we would not choose for them if we had any say in the matter. Being there for our youngsters does not mean we have to accept inappropriate language and behaviour towards ourselves or those around us. Finally it does not matter what all parents think, families have different standards and values to which they are entitled, what matters is what is important within your family.

Regards, Joy

A. Whenever a parent brings a child to me for counselling who displays this negative behaviour and where there is no underlying issue like the birth of a sibling; a traumatic event; being bullied etc., the most likely cause is his diet. A diet which is sugar rich, processed, laden with preservatives and long words we cannot pronounce let alone understand what they mean is destined for disaster. If you imagine our bodies as a mass of finely tuned chemicals and each of us has a unique and perfect balance for our needs and we start adding unnecessary chemicals to our system then our balance becomes upset and this generally comes out in our emotions and/or behaviour, sadly the most common being aggression and hyperactivity; not just in children either! It is also important that we get the daily food intake right and rule of thumb is to ‘Breakfast like a King, Lunch like a Prince and Dinner like a Pauper’, i.e., eat heartily in the morning with smaller meals as we go through the day. In a nutshell make sure what you feed your child is as natural as possible, read labels and don’t buy anything with added extras we simply don’t need but have been put in to either heighten the flavour or extend the shelf life of the product. Equally important is what we drink, water, water, water please! Did you know a can of a popular fizzy drink contains around 10 teaspoons of sugar plus caffeine; no wonder we are on the ceiling and then drop like a bomb!