A. Hi Steve

You sound like you have done a sterling job so far! I am sorry that Mum has not been about much for the children over the last 3 years. In an ideal world they would have a relationship with both of you and, whilst, it may not seem like it, it is positive that she is making a bit more of an effort.

That said, if Mum’s contact with the children has been hit and miss for a while, there is a relationship that will need to be rebuilt. Even if it is practical, having them live with her and new person they do not know half the time is going to cause massive upheaval. The children are old enough to make their views known and, whilst these wishes may not be determinative of outcome as far the Court is concerned, they will carry weight. Apart from disruption, there probably is a genuine fear that if Mum becomes a bigger part of their lives again she might up sticks and go again. Mum needs to realise this and be sensitive to the children’s needs and wishes. It is going to be counterproductive to force them to spend extended periods of time in a strange environment with someone they may not wholly trust.

What I would advise (and the Court the approach would take) is to set out a plan for regular contact with Mum increasing to overnight stays and maybe holidays at a pace the children are comfortable with.

There has been a lot of talk about shared care and shared residence of children recently and why this should be the norm. Shared residence does not necessarily mean that the children’s time is split equally between their parents. The idea is that two parents who have been actively involved in the care and decision making about their children after separation continue to share those responsibilities equally even if the children live with one parent 5 days per week and the other 2 days per week.

Dividing children’s time between parents (even if the above difficulties are resolved) is above all a practical issue. Living 50 miles away from school is likely to be an issue and children can’t have two schools, GPs etc and most ‘importantly’ children will struggle being away from their friends and football teams and ballet classes. It isn’t impossible but its pretty hard. I wouldn’t worry about this in your current circumstances.

I would write to Mum and explain that you think the children would like to spend some more time with her but it is not realistic to expect to expect them to go to live with her. Confidence and trust needs to be rebuilt and you are happy to agree some arrangements that would progress as the children are happy for them to. If Mum cannot appreciate the children’s needs and refuses to agree arrangements with you then I would take some legal advice. I can understand that you want to protect the children from upheaval and disappointment and Mum would need to prove that such a huge change for them would be in their best interests. That is quite a tall order.

Hopefully Mum will be sensible and can play more of a part in the children’s lives which means you get to share the responsibility a bit and get some well deserved ‘you’ time.

Regards, Kathryn

A. We have. Lisa is spending time bringing up her young son now, and we want to take this opportunity to say "thank you" for the wonderful service she gave us and our site users since the day our new websites were launched.

The answers below are Lisa's. Those above will be coming from our new Divorce Expert. So welcome Kathryn! It is our real priviledge to have you on board.

A. Thank you very much for your question although I am sorry to hear of your circumstances.

Potentially, your husband could have an obligation to support both you and your son. However, this will depend upon his financial position and what needs you all have.

You do not say whether your son is your husband's son too. If he his, and your husband is working or has some form of income then you need to make contact with the CSA immediately. They will deal with your claim without any charge to yourself. If you want to find out whether your husband should be supporting you too then you really need to see a solicitor.

If your husband has no income and there are no assets of the marriage then sadly, even if it was found that he did have an obligation to support you he is not going to be able to meet that obligation going forward.

I hope this helps you.


Lisa Hibbert
Partner - Family Law

A. I do not have any personal experience of solicitors in Scotland and we do not practice within the Scottish jurisdiction. I would suggest that you start by contacting Resolution who, I think, have a Scottish counterpart. They are a national body of Family Solicitors. Their number is 01689 820272.

A. I was so sorry to read your email. You are in a dreadful situation and need some professional help immediately. It is very difficult for me to advise you as there is simply not enough information given. I would strongly advise you to find a local Family Solicitor. Initially, you should contact one that offers Legal Aid as you may be eligible and this will help with paying their fees. Can I suggest that you ring Resolution ( a national body of Family solicitors ) on 01689 820272. They will have a list of good Family Solicitors local to you.

A. Thank you for your question, you outline a very unusual situation and one that would only work where both parties are comfortable with it. I can advise that you are within your rights to refuse your ex-partner's request although this not help move a contact arrangement forward. You could look at an alternative venue such as paternal grandparents or other relative but it may not be something that is practical as it does tie other people. You could also consider a contact centre. To get details of your local centres you should contact the Citizen Advice Bureau. If they do not have details then they should know where you can get them from.

A. Thank you for taking the time to put your question to me. You must find your circumstances very distressing and I can fully understand your desire to act. It is the most natural reaction to want to keep your daughter but it may not be the best way to handle the situation long term. To take such a step would destroy any trust that exists between you and your ex partner and it could take years to re-build. The strain this would place upon your relationship will not benefit your daughter.
If you did not return her then you could find yourself having to explain your actions to a Judge who may have sympathy for you but will still be unable to condone your actions.

I would ask you to consider whether your concerns are something that need to be tackled direct with your ex partner. Not the easiest conversation to have, I know, but you should at least consider it. If this fails to bring about any changes or you do not feel able to broach the subject with your ex partner then a good Family Lawyer could be of help to you. You need to see a solicitor who is a member of Resolution which is a national body of Family Solicitors who follow a code of conduct which places an emphasis on dealing with matters amicably. A gentle letter setting out your concerns may assist. Ultimatley you may need to consider mediation.

You mention that your daughter says that she does not want to return home to her mum but please use some caution in terms of how much weight you place upon these words. Children can say what they think you want to hear and she may be sensing your concerns and be responding accorgingly.
Be guided by your own concerns in the main.

A. Thank you for your question, you outline such a sad situation. I do not know the background as to why Dad did not have contact for two years but whatever the reasons you will have taken quite a leap of faith in entering in to the current arrangements and being challenged in this way must be very hard for you.

It would be very unusual for a parent who has not been a significant "carer" to successfully secure residence (the new term for custody) for a child. You would have to have done and be doing something very wrong in terms of your care for your son. Is he serious in his threat? Could it perhaps be that he is dissatisfied with the extent of his contact and so is acting tactically? What I mean is, is it the case that he would like more contact and you have been unwilling to consider this and so in threatening to step in as a full time carer he is hoping that you will give in to his requests?

If it is possible at all I would encourage you to speak direct to Dad to try to understand what his concerns are. Far better to try to resolve these things between you.

Best wishes.

A. Thank you for your question, you outline such a sad situation. I do not know the background as to why Dad did not have contact for two years but whatever the reasons you will have taken quite a leap of faith in entering in to the current arrangements and being challenged in this way must be very hard for you.

It would be very unusual for a parent who has not been a significant "carer" to successfully secure residence (the new term for custody) for a child. You would have to have done and be doing something very wrong in terms of your care for your son. Is he serious in his threat? Could it perhaps be that he is dissatisfied with the extent of his contact and so is acting tactically? What I mean is, is it the case that he would like more contact and you have been unwilling to consider this and so in threatening to step in as a full time carer he is hoping that you will give in to his requests?

If it is possible at all I would encourage you to speak direct to Dad to try to understand what his concerns are. Far better to try to resolve these things between you.

Best wishes.

A. Thank you very much for making contact. Your question is very limited so it does restrict me to giving a very generalised reply. If your daughter's mother wanted her to return then if a solution could not be found by the two of you speaking, for example, you could consider a shared care arrangement where your daughter split her time between you, then court proceedings may be the only option. In terms of you claiming for her, by this, I presume you mean claiming benefits. I would advise that you speak to the Benefits Agency and explain your circumstances to them and they will deal with this issue.

A. Thank you very much for your question, yours is a very painful situation for you all to be in. The quick answer is that the court cannot stop you from moving but they can say the children cannot move with you which you may feel amounts to the same thing. However, provided that your reasons for the move are genuine and not motivated by a wish to marginalise the children's father and you have put together a carefully thought through plan for him to maintain both direct and indirect (phone calls, letters etc) contact with the children then the court are likely to support the move. However, in my experience the courts will favour as generous a contact provision as possible for the father in terms of school holidays as he is likely to lose a chunk of his weekend contact simply because of the distance.

You also need to really work to keep the contact as flexible as possible so try to be open to other opportunities when the children could see their father. For example, if you were back visiting friends or passing through on your way to another destination, equally if he was passing through. It really is so important for the children that you both do this if they are going to stay close. Consider setting up web cam facilities and keep their father up to date on anything the children are doing which he can come along to, don't ever assume the distance means he will not make it - give him the option. There is no harm in making these intentions known during the course of the court proceedings - it will assist your case!

The remainder of your question was missing so I have not been able to deal with this, so sorry.

A. Firstly, congratulations it is a truly magical time and I hope that the issue you raise is not over shadowing any of it. You will be feeling a range of emotions right now not least the desire to protect your little one. The father should try to understand this, he failed to provide you with any support during the pregnancy and left you at a very vunerable time, getting in touch with you I can understand as he may have found he felt very differently once the baby was born. However, he should now stand back and let you make contact with him. Should you decide not to then it would be for him to start court proceedings and ultimately, a court are likely to support an application for contact.
However, this will take effort on his part and his nature maybe such that he would not pursue such a course of action. If he does continue to show an interest in seeing the baby then you do need to consider whether such arrangements can be made by agreement, this is far better than having orders made by the court.

If he or his family become abusive then do contact the police and keep a diary of their conduct so that you have a record should you need it. The courts do take domestic violence seriously, whether that is physical or emotional and whomever it comes from, but they can only work with specific details and preferably backed up by independant records such as police. I do hope that it does not come to this.

A. I felt your distress just reading your email, I hope that you have someone that can offer you some emotional support during this time. You clearly have a lot of concerns which, if can be proved, may give rise to your daughter be exposed to both eomotional and physical abuse. It is not possible for me to give you advice using such a crude medium as email in these very sensitive circumstances. What I will say is that you should go to see a solicitor as soon as possible. It will help you present your case if you make notes before your meeting setting out your concerns and evidence that you have to support those concerns. I would also recommend that you set out the history of your relationship with your ex partner and later involvement with your daughter. When you do this set it out in date order starting with the oldest event. You may also find it a support for you to take someone with you to the meeting who is familiar with your relationship with your ex and could prompt you on the facts.

A. How refreshing to hear you talk about "our" son even though you are separated. This tells me a lot about you and your ability to make the important distinction between your relationship with your former partner and your relationship as parents. This is really commendable.

Your proposal is reasonable and is very common. However, it does mean altering the current arrangement where there is weekly contact and a two week break for a child of 4.5 years may be too much. You could think about proposing a continued weekly arrangement but with a 2 week rota alternating between your ex partner having Friday - Saturday the first week and then Saturday - Sunday the second. This way you both get to have a Saturday when there are more options for outings. It is unfortunate that your ex partner works away in the week as you could have suggested an alternate weekend arrangement with a weekly contact one day in the week so that your son was never going to go longer than one week without seeing his father.

It will be a costly exercise both financially and emotionally to go to court over such a narrow issue. Your relationship with your ex partner is very likely to be damaged for the future so I would strongly recommend you try your best to find a compromise. That said, I do appreciate that it takes two to do this but perhaps the above suggestion will help.

A. I am truly sorry to learn of your circumstances. You will be very frustrated I'm sure as you will be left having to deal with the hurt feelings of your children when they are let down by their father.

The circumstances you describe happen all too often and are very damaging to the children. It is important that you limit the damage by avoiding criticising the children's father in front of them. Hard as this is, it will only compound the hurt for them.

Rightly or wrongly, the court does not punish a father in these circumstances. It is unlikley to enforce an order for contact as what value would there be to the children of spending time with their father unless he wants to see them? You could vary the court order although I suspect that the father would not cooperate with this and frankly I am sure you have better ways to spend your time and money. I would just ensure that you comply with the terms of the order and keep a brief diary of the times when he fails to see the children. If he is trying to see the children other than as provided in the order then you are not obliged to facilitate this but if you feel it would be of benefit to the children then make the arranegements as neccesary.

A. I am sorry to read your email. Your hearts must have sunk when you hit the wall with the school. I am sure you have had a difficult search. The school are just carrying out their duty as I am sure you will appreciate.

Your email does not say how old your stepson is and this is likely to be important. If he is under 16 then if your husband can show to the school that he has Parental Responsibility for him then they should give you the information you have asked for. This is done by showing them a Parental Responsibility agreement if your husband entered in to one with his ex partner or proving that he was married to her either before or after his son was born.You say that there is no court order prohibiting contact so I have assumed that there is no reason why your husband should not be involved with his son. If he is over 16 then it maybe a case where your stepson has to give his consent.

I must ask you to consider contacting his mother. Without knowing the background to your situation I risk sounding impractical in making this suggestion. However, it could be a shock to your stepson to contact him now and the lines of communication should really be opened via his main carer who I assume to be his mother. It will also make relations very difficult going forward if you take steps, without the knowledge of his mother, to contact him whether directly or indirectly. However, I am only too aware of how some separated parents go to great lengths to prevent contact and this may well be the case here. If this is the case then I would recommend you see a solicitor before you take any further steps toward making contact with your stepson.

I wish you both the best of luck and hope that your husband is able to re-establish his relationship with his son.

A. Thank you for your question involving a situation that many people find themselves in as working for cash is not an unusual practice albeit potentially fraudulent if the cash is not disclosed to the inland revenue.

For your wife's action to amount to perjury there must be court proceedings in place and further that she has filed evidence, whether orally or written, which states that she has no income or that she has failed to disclose that she has an income. Whilst you do refer to her "claim" I do not know what documentation she has filed to indicate that she has zero income and whether this documentation is complete.

You do not say whether you have a solicitor but if you do you must bring this information to their attention together with the evidence you refer to. It is important that this information is presented to your wife and her solicitor as soon as possible, it is not "good practice" to ambush your opponent despite how courtroom drama is portrayed on our tv screens! You could find yourself at the receiving end of an order to pay some of your wife's legal costs believe it or not!

A. Thank you for your question and I will do my best to assist in the reply I give.

The fact that your son's father has not been in touch for two years would not mean that any future contact with your son would not be possible. The age and therefore wishes of your son would be relevant and the reasons for his father's loss of contact would also need to be considered. Legally, you could refuse contact until it was agreed between you or, alternatively determined by the court, that any future contact was in your son's best interests. You could also use a mediator to assist you both and facilitate meetings.

The word "custody" does not exist any longer in family law but has been replaced with the term "residence" which essentially means the same thing - it identifies the person with whom the child lives.

Your fear of a "snatch" situation arising is understandable. I don't know how old your son is but the first step to take is to make sure that he understands he should never go anywhere with his father, should he appear at school/nursery, without your permission. You should also ensure that the school/nursery know this too. These are practical steps to take but from a legal perspective the fact that there has been lack of contact and that your son has been with living you, presumably, for some time then this would all put you in a strong position to secure the return of your son should the worst happen.

I do hope this answers your concerns.

A. Thank you for your question and in response I would advise that it is quite normal for the parent who does not live with their child to have regular telephone contact. The only time this would not be the case would be where the arrangement is being abused. I assume this is not the case and as such you should be able to ring your son. If the number has changed then the new one should be given to you. If your son has a mobile perhaps you could ring him on this. Either way you need to speak to your ex partner but avoid doing this in the presence/ear shot of your son.

A. I am sorry to read the contents of your email given that you sound so emotionally fraught. Without knowing the facts that are before the court I cant't give you advice as to its decision. However, generally speaking a court will not focus on the past and will encourage parents to have equal input in to their children's lives. It is not the court's role to punish a previously, seemingly, uninterested parent by restricting contact now. This is not in a child's best interests. That is not to say that it does not have sympathy for the resident parent who has covered many times over for the other parents lack of interest in order to protect the child but it cannot let this cloud its judgement as to what is good for the child now.

A. Thank you for your email and what you describe is every separated parent's fear. It is quite a step for your ex to take and is one I would have expected him to discuss with you and the boys. You don't say that he did/has.

You don't say in your email how you would want to try to manage the boy's on going relationship with their father. Any change has to be in their best interests and you cannot really make that decision unilaterally and not really without meeting your ex and his new partner.
At the moment you only have town gossip to rely on as to what type of person this woman is so it would certainly help for you to meet with her. There is no reason why you should not ask to meet with her given that she is potentially going to be a permanent figure in the children's lives. Presumably your ex will be aware of what is said about her and whilst I am not suggesting that you confront him he should appreciate that you may have concerns.

Unless she presents a risk to the children that can be proven you will find it difficult to persuade a court to intervene so you need to find a solution with your ex. I know that this may be difficult to achieve so you may want to discuss your concerns with a mediator. Either a professional or a family member or mutual friend. Of course, your ex has to be willing to take part in such a process and again I know that he may refuse to acknowledge any issue at all.

The question for you is whether you think that the boys are at risk if their father is with them the majority of the time. If you feel they are then I could well understand you placing a halt on contact until your ex is prepared to sit down with you and listen, genuinely, to your concerns. You would not be doing anything that would get you in to trouble and provided that you had given your ex every opportunity to discuss the situation before stopping contact you would not be criticised.

I do hope this helps you.

A. The bottom line answer is that you can be made to sell the house, however, the points you makes about there being no equity and the children's main home are factors that could be taken in to account when determining whether the house should in fact be sold.

A. You must be finding your situation very hard and I am sure your son is missing you. I will do my best to provide some help with the limited information you have given me. I presume that you have tried to maintain regular contact with your son by telephone as well as actual visits and that both of these types of contact are being blocked by mum. You may find it helpful to contact a third party who is a family member or mutual family friend whom you both trust, they could try to mediate between you both to get some contact off the ground again. You do not say how often you were seeing your son prior to contact stopping but it is important to understand why contact is now being blocked so that any issues can be addressed.

Whilst mums moving out of the area would have been difficult for you to oppose the courts would have ensured that there was provision made for
you maintaining a relationship with your son. Mum should not have changed your son's surname and you could make an application to the court to have the name change reversed. However, please be mindful of
the fact that it is hard to police a change of name in that you could well be successful in reversing the change of name but you will not know whether day to day usage remains the surname preferred by mum. In any
event, it is probably more important to your son that you work towards getting contact up and running than focusing on the change of name.

If it is not possible to ask the help of a third party then I would recommend that you see a solicitor to assist you in opening up the lines of communication. It may be quite possible for something to be agreed
without the need for court proceedings.

A. I am sorry to hear of your position which is one that many parents find themselves in. I would strongly advise that you appoint a solicitor as the type of case you outline can be complex. As I am sure you will appreciate the court can only deal with proven facts and if the father fails to admit to any assertions you put to him then it will be for you to prove that he presents a risk.

The court have the option to order a CAFCASS report which is carried out by the Child and Family Court officer (not to be confused with social
services) the purpose of this is to enable an independant inquiry to be conducted and then conclusions drawn. Whether these are accepted by you and/or the court will turn on how those conclusions have been drawn and what other evidence you can bring before the court. Sadly, what often happens is that it comes down to your view and the father's. The court then has to decide whose evidence it prefers which frequently results in trying to find a middle ground.

You refer to "history" if you do have records such as police records for example, perhaps the father has been charged with drink driving in the past or incidents involving drink, then these would assist. You need to be very clear on what your concerns are and be as specific as you can refering to dates and situations. It will not be useful to the court for you to make generalisations. Keeping a diary can help although I appreciate that is only going to apply going forward from today. If you do have anyone who has witnessed the father's abuse of alcohol and resulting behaviour then it would also be helpful if they could provide a witness statement. I do not know how old your children are but their views will be sought by the CAFCASS officer if they are considered to be mature enough, this will depend on the individual child rather than a strict reference to their age. If they have memories of their father and his abuse of alcohol then these too will provide information to the court.

I hope this assists you but I would underline my initial advice for you to appoint a solicitor to represent you.

A. In answer to the question. All cases turn on their individual facts and the question posed is not simple to answer in an email. It is difficult to force a parent to have contact, if proceedings were issued then the court would do what it could to establish why contact is not consistent but would probably question how positive forced contact would be for the child concerned. It may be far better to reduce the periods of contact if it would result in the mother committing properly.

Regards, Lisa

A. I am sorry to read of the problems you are having in relation to seeing your children. It must be very difficult for you and the children will also be struggling to understand why you have not seen them for 3 weeks. It is important that you address this now as there is a risk that the children may begin to think that you do not want to spend time with them. Have you had any contact with them via telephone? At the very least, whilst you are trying to resolve matters, you should be able to speak with them on the telephone. I would not advise trying to allocate blame when you do, children do not want to hear this. They just want to know that you love them and that you do want to see them. Tell them this and that you are just trying to sort out some arrangements with the other parent.

I cannot tell from your question whether the arrangement that is meant to be in place presently is by agreement or a court order. Whichever it is you should start by addressing the issue with your ex partner direct if this is possible. Explain that you want to understand why they keep putting contact off. There could be underlying reasons for this that can be overcome by altering the arrangement but you need to identify early on whether they are supportive of you seeing the children or not. If not, then you may need to get a third party involved such as a solicitor, mediator or collaborator to help you reach a solution. There is practically a presumption that a “non – resident parent” should see their children and good reasons have to be found for contact not to be put in place.

If you do have a court order then you could refer the case back to court. Court proceedings may also become necessary if you cannot reach an agreement although this should really be a last resort. I would recommend that if you are considering taking such a step that you do see a solicitor first.

Best Wishes.