A. By Breakup Angels expert Kirsten Gronning

Talking with divorce coaches is allowed when stuck. And isn’t it better than not talking - which is what many people do when faced with a long-term partner who rejects us sexually?

Let’s take a step back. I’m reading between the lines here and taking these points as a given:
• Your sex life was once, great even;
• Your hubbie found you attractive, even loved you;
• You once had the relationship you describe in your Q as one that is “that is close and loving and fulfilling at all levels” - in other words, you have experienced the relationship you desire and that this is not just a romantic dream.
• You don’t just want to hear what’s comfortable but are looking to explore ‘outside the box’.
(I did however check out a male perspective when replying here to make sure it reflected a male viewpoint too!)

Excuses, excuses?

You mention his "excuses" as "tiredness", "bit stressed at work” - all of which are probably true, but what’s changed since you last had a good sex life? Men’s sex drive varies considerably and energy and inclination are major factors affecting it. I can see why you might consider the problem is that he doesn’t fancy you when you write: “I just can't (better put, don't want to) continue living in a marriage to a man who clearly doesn't find me attractive anymore” but how do you know this is the case and not just your perception?

Chances are if it’s tough at work, any perceived underperformance at work can have a knock on effect on his sex drive and he will avoid making love. After all, in his mind, if he’s under-performing at work or not doing anything right in other important areas in his life, why should his sex life be any different? Be also aware that he may be protecting you here and not being fully upfront about work related issues.

So what’s changed since you last had the relationship you miss now, apart from the lack of sex? Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three – a ‘Q’ column; a ‘He’ column and a ‘She’ column.

In the ‘Q’ column write:
• What did we both used to do and we don’t do now?
• What do we both do now and didn’t used to do?
• What did he used to do and he doesn’t do now?
• What did she used to do and she doesn’t do now?

In the ‘He’ column write down the first 3-5 things which come to mind. Don’t think about them.
In the ‘She’ column write down the first 3-5 things which come to mind. Again, don’t think about them, just write. Don’t worry if you can’t do this exercise together right now, but aim to do it later with him, to see how far you’ve come.

You will end up with between 24 and 40 insights into what has changed over time, some of which may take you by surprise. Look at your results. What does this tell you about the relationship as it was and as it is now?

How important is Sex?

In the ‘He’ column write down, on a scale of 0-10 (with zero being the last thing he thinks of and 10 being THE most important thing in his life) just how important she thinks sex* is to him.
In the ‘She’ column write down, on a scale of 0-10 (with zero being the last thing she thinks of and 10 being THE most important thing in her life) just how important he thinks sex* is to her. (You may not able to do this just yet.)

Reverse it In the ‘He’ column write down, on a scale of 0-10 (with zero being the last thing he thinks of and 10 being THE most important thing in his life) just how important he thinks sex* is to him. (Again, you may not able to do this just yet.)

In the ‘She’ column write down, on a scale of 0-10 (with zero being the last thing she thinks of and 10 being THE most important thing in her life) just how important she thinks sex* is to her.

* Sex in this context is making love in your existing relationship/marriage

Look at your results. What does this tell you (and him, if and when you can do the exercise together?) Who is an abstinence of sex really a problem for?

What you may uncover here is that not everyone needs a sex life. But if one half of a couple does, and the other doesn’t, who is it a problem for? In your case, my intuition tells me that if your hubbie is giving you verbal assurances that “that things will get better in this area” he isn’t hiding from the issue entirely, but he may be trying to protect himself from uncovering underperformance or personal relationship issues which he’d rather not delve into.

But whilst you will want to try and help him get over this problem - which is after all, in your best interests to resolve too - ask yourself exactly what is he doing/ has he done to put it to get his sex-life back on track? It is often very hard for a man to seek help because it’s so embarrassing to admit to sexual failure, but if a guy can’t do this, he often simply can’t find the answers he needs and he may be completely stumped as to how to progress: it’s so embarrassing for him and wifely pressure won’t help. Or conversely, he may be seeking help - how do you know for sure he is not?

If he genuinely can’t get it up, then stress could be a major factor and male sexual dysfunction (as it’s called) regularly affects men for a number of reasons, psychological and physical. There’s some very helpful advice on the NHS site which strongly recommends suffers speak to their GP as soon as possible to identify the cause and get support in overcoming it. What can you do to help get him to his GP? Gently ask if he is open to suggestions and get his permission before you put them forwards. Reassure him that he doesn’t have to involve you if he prefers not to.

Does he know you find him attractive? You can help him and reassure him but there is a point where you might ask yourself:

• Where will I be in 2 years time; 5, 10 or even 15 years if we can’t make ourselves happier?
• Do I want to be in this relationship without sex?
• Have I really thought through what the alternatives are – eg. divorce?

It might also be worth asking how healthy the relationship is in every other aspect. And how do you know that he isn’t sexually active elsewhere?

Enjoy each other’s company, if not their body

When did you last have a romantic dinner together? Book a babysitter, order a cab, and find a restaurant you both like and go out with no agenda but to relax. Before you go out remind yourself of the three things which used to turn you on about him and remember to mention them over the course of the evening. Think about the three things about you which used to turn him on. If it was a certain perfume, wear it, likewise the fuchsia mini-skirt. Over the course of the evening do one thing well – really listen to him. If he talks about football, be interested. Ask him questions even if you have no interest in the game. When you talk about the children, actively listen to what he has to say whether he verbalises anxieties or good moments. Share his emotions without judging whether he is right or wrong; just enjoy being with him and communicating.

When did you last have a weekend away together, without the kids? If the dinners are successful, arrange childcare and book a break away. Find a destination you both know and like and go with no agenda but to relax and re-discover each other. Before you go out remind yourself of the three things which used to turn you on about him and tell yourself they will return, but maybe not this weekend – your aim is to take the pressure off. If it seems right, take his arm when strolling or his hand over the table. Think ‘first date’ and what you might do on a first date – a quick kiss, a cuddle, warmth, friendliness. Expect no more from him - be affectionate if he is but absolutely do not mention sex if he doesn’t, or initiate it.

Take the pressure off You’ll find the answer, be patient. Whether we believe in the old proverb ‘Marriages are made in heaven’ or the opposite ‘Wedlock is a padlock’ it is a fact that sometimes the kids are the only thing which couples have in common, as people grow apart and boredom can set in.

People do live in sexless marriages very successfully, but only if their prime needs are being met. If you have a prime need to be sexually fulfilled (and this is a basic human need and nothing to be ashamed of!) then the chances are that sooner or later this need will have to be met – perhaps outside the marriage. Affairs come to mind and dating sites for people in marriage who are looking for intimacy and sex outside the marriage. I’ve not got any information or experience personal or otherwise to draw on here, but I would be interested in hearing from anyone, in confidence, who does have experience of these sites and can share whether and how they helped.

A. Thank you for getting in touch and asking your anonymous question. Although you have given scant details, I hope the following is of some help to you. Much of my answer will be in question format, this is to get you to think a little differently and define what it is you believe a marriage to be, and secondly to help you find out what it is that is really causing this lack of communication - both physically and literally.

A marriage isn't over until it's over. For the sake of a few conversations around how you are feeling and beginning to open up to one another, I believe it's too early to say whether both of you would benefit from ending your marriage. You don't say whether you want to save your marriage if you had the opportunity and chance to do so. I'm making an assumption that you would like to save your marriage.

I'd like you to take some time now to become aware of when you and your husband started to hardly talk. Hardly talking might for some people be a blessing - it saves them listening to the same thing time and again. It might save arguments and fighting. Many people would rather have the quiet time for inner reflection. If on the other hand this isn't what appeals to you and you would like to start talking with your partner again, what is it that stops you doing so? Did the sex stop before or after the talking deteriorated?

What did you once do that you don't do now which allowed you to talk? What did you once not do that you are doing now to prevent the talking from happening?

Although this may seem both obvious and ridiculous - have you talked to your husband about the lack of communication between you? Have you explained to him how it makes you feel? Do you know how it makes you feel when the two of you are hardly talking - do you feel sad, unhappy, ignored, unloved or frustrated? It may be one or more of those emotions, or it may be something else.

Unfortunately, saying to your husband 'We need to talk' is unlikely to be a fruitful starting point. If you would like things to improve then you will have to start doing something differently. There's an old saying - if we keep doing what we've always done, we'll keep getting what we always got.

Working on the assumption that you want to save the marriage and want to talk with your husband, I would suggest the following, which although they're simple steps, can be a challenge for some.

Step 1. Start to love your husband again - when you look at him, when you address him, when you are thinking of him in his absence - think loving thoughts.

Step 2. Talk to him as if he is talking to you. Leave your negative emotions behind for the time being and remember what it's like when you chat happily and easily. Start to chat happily and easily.

Step 3. Stop mind reading, ie guessing what's going on in his head, guessing what he means, making up why he's done something. Take things as they are and stop loading meanings on them which make you feel worse.

Step 4. Stop taking things personally. Many people imagine that when someone says something it's a personal affront/attack - it isn't. 'This chicken's a bit dry' - that means the chicken is a bit dry and it's not your cooking ability which is being attacked. 'The house is a mess' - means the house is a mess, not that you have to tidy it up.

Step 5. Be Yourself. Both men and women very often try to mould themselves into an 'acceptable form' for their partner. They think that by being someone/doing something for their other half they will be loved. It doesn't work that way, it gets very tiring and you lose sight of who you are and might become resentful.

Step 6. Stay strong within yourself. If you want to make changes, you must know where you are headed and what is acceptable or not acceptable in your life.

Step 7. Take responsibility for yourself, your thoughts, your actions, your emotions. Stop taking responsibility for his. He has a right to feel, think and do what he wants - just as you have.
I wish you the best of luck and if you are struggling with any of these steps, understanding yourself and want more clarity or confidence in moving forward together or apart, please download our free report The
8 Most Overlooked Questions to Save you Pain, Money and Stress...Before Divorce becomes your Reality available here or consider our special offer on our personal support consultation Refocus Right Now which is valid until Christmas. Use the discount code DISC7 before 25 December and pay just £60. Read more here and book on-line for urgent direction and clarity.

Jackie Walker, Breakup Angels expert